Funny thing happened to me today. I was on the bus on my way into school and I was reviewing some flash cards that I had made for my biochem class. (Funny side note: all class in med school, so far, have a class code that begins with HuBio. So even though my classes can be wildly different, they are all Human Biology classes.)
Anyway, back to the story. A woman got on the bus and sat next to me. I saw that she was checking out my cards and she turned to me and asked if they were medical terminology cards. At that instant, all I could think to do was deny a connect to medicine. So I told her they were for my biochem class and I was trying to brush up on amino acids, yada yada yada. Why couldn't I give her the quick answer of yes? I am in med school, they are for a class related to that.
So I think it may be two things.
1. I don't think I really believe that I am in med school or deserve to be here yet. I am hoping that goes away and I am having glimpses daily of "wow, I really feel like a med student", but then I move on to the next thing which today was reviewing the videotape of my patient interview where I looked like a nincompoop and had no idea what the patient was talking about when describing their medical issue. So it changes daily, hourly, by the minute, whether or not I feel like I have finally made it. I don't say this to ask for reassurance or accolade, but just to realize that I am feeling this way.
2. I feel guilty that I made it to med school. For better or worse (and when it was worse, it was worse!) I have been around "pre-meds" for the past 5 years. And that can be a whole other post in itself. Some of which I hope mature greatly before moving on, and some who really deserve to go to med school and who are going to be fanatastic doctors but still keep getting the pesky "not this year" letters. So why did I get here and they haven't yet? I haven't done anything super amazing with my life like feeding cheeseburgers to children dying of AIDS in the third world, but yet, I am sitting in class and in slightly less than 4 years, I will have an MD in my signature.
Well, I guess that now I have realized these feelings, I should try to work past them. So goal for myself: next time someone asks a question that could get one of two answers (med school, or some roundabout answer) I am going to try to admit what I have accomplished and what I am currently working through: med school. And try not to feel guilty and try to believe it.
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I know what you mean. For some reason I get weirdly secretive about things, too. My theory is that it's harder to talk or answer questions about the things that you hold closest to yourself-- it's almost like by talking abou them, they might disappear.
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